Friday, January 1, 2010

Weighing on my heart

During a trip late last summer to my favorite town resulted in a loss of a friendship of many years standing. I've been on a journey of intense self discovery since, rethinking my own personal definition of friendship and what value it holds in my life. Asking myself if I am the toxic friend, the friendenemy. My attempts to repair this friendship have fallen upon deaf ears. Chances are it's truly over. I never once thought this was all her fault, this misunderstanding. But it's not all my fault either although I willing took the responsibility of apology upon my own shoulders. I'm not convinced I handled it in the proper format but I tried. I tried as much as I'm capable of trying. Let me explain this. It's hard to put yourself out there when you fear failure or rejection. No one enjoys having their feelings hurt or stomped on. While my apologies and attempts were genuine and sincere I did not give in to her demands of a post mortem rehashing of said events. I felt it would not serve either of us well. So instead I apologized, I apologized with contrition, I apologized with love and remembrance of years of friendship and finally I apologized the last time with an economy of words and simplicity, the final plea of can't we just be friends again? Only this weekend I asked her will we ever speak again? and yet she is unmoved.

I somehow thought once we got through the apology stage then we could move on to the why did this happen stage and we both could then acknowledge our own parts in it , we'd somehow be friends again. I thought by offering my apologizes and an willingness to accept the majority of the blame that it would create an safe haven of forgiveness where our friendship could survive while we worked thru our differences. I was wrong. This is not what happened. My apologies have been rejected. It seems I'm not worth having for a friend after all these years.

This hurts. Have you ever been the last one chosen for a team? Have you ever been rejected and found lacking? Have you ever looked around and thought is it me?

I can tell you it's much easier to lose new friends, easier on your heart than to lose an old friend. While new friendships can be destroyed easier than old ones, when the old ones are lost they cut deeper and leave a bigger hole in your heart. The new ones don't have such a hold on your heart like the old ones do. It's much easier to let the new friends go, to move on, to say it's not me, it's them... but the old ones? Oh let me tell you, it's hard to hide from the truth.

So after yet another rejection of my attempts to open a dialogue between us I've about come to the conclusion that my wise friend Miss Barbara was right in her advice, all that I can really do at this juncture is to pray for her.

I wrote this post a year ago in December of 2008. Since that time the friendship has not resumed, we have not patched things up, spoken, anything. I did happen upon a semi-hidden blog post she wrote within days of the falling out, me and all my faults were the topic and she goes so far as to say that she had been building me up falsely, feeding my ego and how she created this monster that I had become.

Wow that's pretty toxic... You can imagine how you would feel to have someone you considered a dear friend write such things about you... on a blog no less! to know that they were systematically set upon a course of feeding you a line of bull -- for what purpose I have to wonder? I was sick to my stomach when I read that blog post of hers. Then I realized that I didn't recognize this person she was speaking of... these horrible things were not me, although she wrote it about me MY SPIRIT REJECTS IT!!!

Well I'm back to the sage advice of my friend Miss Barbara, wise woman that she is... pray, pray, pray... so I have been praying for her, she deserves nothing less than happiness in her life and if that means sans friendship with me then so be it. At some point in the future should our paths somehow cross I love the memory of the friendship I thought we were sharing enough to speak warmly and embrace her. I wish her well and pray for her often. It's my misfortune that I apparently cared more for her than she for me.... and that's okay. It has to be, after all what choice do I have in the matter? And why would I want to seek a relationship with someone who clearly found she much preferred to play games with me by lying to me?

I'm moving on... and while I'll still have odd little pains in my heart for this former friend when I think of her I'm forgiving us both. Myself for being weak albeit human and having an off day that resulted in this loss and her for apparently being months ahead of me in killing this friendship.

I have been the recipient of many blessings this year, a loving family that loves me just as I am, a new boss/old friend making a dream come true with a position that no one else but me was ever considered for which makes me feel that there's something redeeming and worthwhile in me after all, the new friends I've made at my new job, my old friends from my old job, my blogging friends and online friends who accept what little scraps of time I'm able to give and my childhood friends who have found their way back into my life after all these years of separation, can you imagine my joy? what a blessing they are! the friendship my husband and me share with a particular couple who we are slowly socializing with more often... yes there's been lots of blessings in the friendship area of my life.

May the new year fill your heart and life with love, real, genuine, true, abiding love.


vintage girl at heart said...

Happy New Year to you and for being so brave..deep... thoughtful and courageous to share this post with us.
Sometimes "It is what it is" no matter how hard you try.
I wish you many more wonderful friendships in the upcoming year!

Darlene said...

Hey Kitty,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is very hard when you lose someone you thought was such a dear friend. It looks like you have found a new couple for friendship....that is really hard. Finding someone you like and that your hubby gets along with the hubby.

I wish you many more blessings in the New Year. I love our blogging friendship. Hope your new job is going well. Here's to you in 2010!♥

Twice Remembered said...

Oh, dear one:( I am so sorry that you have been through DOES hurt so much. When you invest so much time and emotion and love in an old friendship, it is extremely difficult to cope when things are "over"...especially when you realize that it seems you care more about repairing the friendship than the other. I'm in a similar has been over 3 years and there has been absolutely no dialogue on my old friend's part. When I see her, even to this day, she turns around and walks off. The only real dialogue has come from some of her family who made it clear to me that they are no longer my friends, either. {I was just dealing with that scenario with her family a couple of weeks ago *sigh* Very fresh on my mind!}

Yesterday, a dear friend asked me and a few others to write what we've learned from 2009. Perhaps what I wrote will help you in some small way. Hang in there...the sun will come out again:)

"What I've learned? I've learned that I cannot reverse the thought processes of others, I cannot change people who don't want to change, and I cannot make people like or love me if they choose not to. I've learned that the only thing that I can do in such scenarios is be the sincerest and best possible *me* and carry a clean conscience in doing so. I've learned that it is pointless to wallow or blame myself when things still don't work out despite my efforts. I've learned simply to move on."

linda said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through this with an old friend. I know from personal experience how painful this can be. I had a treasured friend just disregard our friendship over 15 years ago and to this day it still hurts, mainly because I don't know what I did or what I said to cause it. I've never been able to get any answers. I wrote about it not long ago and it helps to get our thoughts and feelings out. I hope writing this post helps you in some way. Take care and Happy New Year!

Susie from Bienvenue said...

My sweet sweet friend...I know the feeling being picked last..being left out...being "not forgiven"...((hugs)) to you my friend...I miss you!

Michelle said...

You've got a wonderful attitude about really is all about perspective, isn't it?! You are not choosing bitterness and that makes you a better person :) I understand what you're going through as I too lost a close friendship of many years without being given the opportunity to know what even happened. That same year brought much heartache for our family...we walked through some difficult things...but thank God we came through it all!

Wishing you a very Happy New Year filled with awesome things!

Diane at Crafty Passions said...

Things happen in life.I was in the same position of your friend, no matter what she did or said I could not bring myself to befriend her again and we were like sisters we were so close,she was dating a married man while married herself with 2 babies, told her hubby she was with me but was with number 2.
I cannot believe another word from her mouth,and it breaks my heart.I miss her and I know she misses me.
I am really sorry for you and the friendship.

Anonymous said...

The say that losing a friendship can be as hard as your first broken heart (and who wants to relive that)! Best of luck to you on your exciting new journey! May you be blessed with many friends!!

If you happen to get a chance, I would also love your support on the ELLE DECOR window that I decorated for the Big Window Challenge this year with Apartment Therapy. Check it out at - http://www.bigwindowchallenge com. As we all know, AT doesn't make it easy, but you can vote TWICE a day. Once online & the other by texting "1" to 89800.

Your support means the world to me!!


Susie from Bienvenue said...

I miss you~

Darlene said...

Hey Kitty,

It has been quite a while since we have heard from you. I hope all is well and your job is going great! Miss you.♥